Children are growing up with screens around them all the time. Phones, tablets, gaming consoles, school groups, YouTube, social media. Even when they aren’t actually using a device, chances are somebody around them is. And that changes the way children learn to communicate.
It’s much easier to say something unkind when there isn’t a person’s face sitting in front of you. A message can be typed in five seconds and forgotten. For the person reading it, though, it might not be forgotten quite so quickly. This is why empathy needs to be taught online as well as offline. Not through a big lecture about being a “good person”. That usually goes in one ear and out the other. Small conversations tend to work better.
Start with The Adults
Children watch adults. Probably more than most adults realise. They see what gets said in family chats. They hear comments about neighbours, colleagues and strangers. They notice when someone is being laughed at online. They also notice when an adult stop, thinks and chooses not to make a nasty comment. That behaviour becomes the example.
Therefore, if a child shows a screenshot of anything offensive someone has written, they have the chance to enquire about the other person’s feelings rather than just telling them to “ignore it.” It doesn’t have to become a long conversation. One question is sufficient at times. “If that were about you, how would you feel?” Children are better able to relate words on a screen with real people when they are asked questions like that.
Let Children Practise Kindness
Telling a child to “be more empathetic” isn’t particularly useful if they don’t get many opportunities to practise it. There are plenty of ordinary ways to do that. Helping a younger brother or sister. Checking on a friend. Making a card for a grandparent. Giving away toys that are no longer being used. Helping with a food collection at school. Even letting children choose a small amount of their own pocket money to give to a cause can be meaningful.
The amount doesn’t really matter. What matters is the conversation around it. Why does someone need help? What would make their day easier? Why might another child be living a very different life? For an older child, that might include learning about poverty, water and food insecurities, childhood cancer appeal and understanding that families dealing with serious illness can need support in many different ways. It doesn’t have to become a frightening conversation. Children can learn about helping others without being given more information than they are ready to handle.
More Time Offline Still Matters
This isn’t an argument for banning phones. That would be difficult for most families anyway. Children use technology for school, friendships, entertainment and a lot of other things. The better question is probably whether there’s still enough space for everything that happens away from a screen.
A family meal where nobody is checking a phone. A walk. Playing football. Cooking something together. Sitting around talking about absolutely nothing. Those things seem ordinary, but they give children opportunities to notice when somebody is bored, upset, excited or uncomfortable. They learn to read faces and body language. They learn when to stop talking and when someone needs a bit of support. A screen doesn’t teach all of that.
The American Academy of Paediatrics similarly recommends looking at children’s media use in context, rather than treating screen time as nothing more than a number of hours. So instead of only asking, “How long have you been on that phone?”, it can be worth asking what they were actually doing. Were they talking to friends? Playing a game? Watching something useful? Or have they been stuck in an argument for the last hour? Those are very different situations.
What Happens When Someone Else Is Being Picked On?
This is where things can get awkward. A child might see somebody being bullied in a group chat but not know what to do. They might worry that speaking up will make them the next target. They don’t necessarily have to confront the person doing it. Not joining in is a start. Not forwarding the screenshot is another.
Reporting something serious, telling a teacher or parent, or quietly checking on the child being targeted can also help. That last one is easy to overlook. A simple “Are you okay?” can mean quite a lot when someone has just been embarrassed in front of a group. Children need to know that being an upstander doesn’t always mean making a dramatic stand. Sometimes it means refusing to add to the problem.
And Yes, Children Will Get It Wrong
They will. There will be an unkind comment. A joke that goes too far. Something shared without permission. A message sent in anger. That’s part of learning. The reaction from adults can make a difference here.
Punishment may deal with the immediate behaviour, but a conversation can help the child understand it. What happened? Why did you send it? What do you think the other person thought? Would you do it differently now? Those questions can be uncomfortable, but they encourage children to think rather than simply worry about being caught. If an apology is needed, an apology should follow.
Empathy Doesn’t End When the Phone Comes Out
Children don’t have two completely separate personalities such as one online and one offline. The same friendships, insecurities, arguments and kindness move between both worlds. So the basic rules still apply.
Consider the feelings of others. Just because everyone else is sharing something doesn’t mean you should. When something doesn’t feel right, ask for assistance. And continue to provide them with opportunity to practise kindness in everyday situations. A lot of empathy is built through small moments. Not big speeches. How a parent talks about another person? Whether a child is encouraged to check on a friend. Whether they learn to say sorry properly. Whether they understand that the person behind a username is still a person. Those lessons tend to stick.
